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Mikes Guide To: Da Internet!
This guide is aimed at females between the ages of ~12 to 16. This guide may also apply to other people though

Welcome to the internet! It's a great place, isn't it? Before you can truly say you are on the internet, you need to get onto MSN Messenger. To do this, you will need a Password account (passport.net), or you can get a Hotmail account. I'd recommend a Hotmail account, or your friends might not understand that you can use other email addresses for it.

Step 1 - Getting onto MSN
Before you can get into MSN, you need to register a unique email address. For example, "Roxy_Girl", followed by a series of random numbers. If you put the year you were born in, you won't be able to lie as effectively, as I will explain later in this guide. This stage may take a long time, because there alot of people registering to the same unique email address, because they're consumer whores.

Once you have your "Roxy Girl" account, you will need MSN Messenger, or Windows Messenger, which comes with Windows XP (You'd better setup a cool theme too or else you're a geek.) You are now online!
Add your friends to your contact list. You can get your mobile phone and call them on theirs, which is cool because you rake up a huge-ass Mobile phone bill but it doesn't matter because land-lines are so last year.

If you don't have any friends with The Internet (remember, if they don't have MSN, they don't have the internet), You'll have to find some nice people your age in public chat rooms. I will explain this later in the guide.

Step 2 - Updating MSN
Your friends will advise you to get the new, cooler MSN, MSN Messenger 7 (Which is currently BETA). You don't know what BETA means, so ignore that word. With the new MSN, you will be able to send oh-so-cool flash animations, known as Winks, and nudge your friends so their conversation window shakes on the screen. The more you do this, the more fun your conversation will be.

Don't forgot to get some custom emoticons - don't use the custom emoticons feature built into MSN 6 and upwards, download some third party program like Buddy Icons - you will probably find an advertisement for one while you are trawling the web for cool chatrooms and peoples blogs.

If your friend has a custom emoticon you can't see, make SURE you click the link she (he?) gives you and install it. Or if she wants to send you a file, no-matter what it is titled, you accept it and run it without questions. Your friends wouldn't send you a virus :)

Grab yourself a cool display picture. Remember, you're a teen, and teens are depressed, and bored, very bored. You hate life, your boyfriend dumped you and you have nothing to live for. Nobody else feels the way you do, so make sure you inform EVERYONE of how you feel. Here are some cool display pictures that hip young people tend to have.



I will add more cool display pictures later


Also, take a picture of your Eye and use it as a display picture. People just love to see a human organ totally caked in makeup like you're a prostitue - and they're not far from the truth ;).

Step 3 - Start a blog
Cool Teens have blogs, and you're a cool teen. Not only are you cool, you have depression, as mentioned earlier. Start up a blog, or a Live Journal. Remember how it used to be cool to have a private diary that you kept in your room and no-one was allowed to read it? Well this is like that, except anyone can read it. Make sure you make references to things happening in your life, and that you post on your blog every few hours - include your mood, and current boyfriend. You may need to be access your blog more if you change boyfriends more than every few hours.

Sign up at a site like Live Journal, and use a cool, unique name, like Roxy Girl. Don't forget that if you don't use a strong password, people might log in to your blog! Using a cryptic password such as your boyfriends name or your favourite TV show should ensure you no problems. People suggest you change passwords fairly reguarly, so if you change your password everytime you get a new guy, you should be more than fine. If you are worried you might forget your password, tell all your friends on MSN or in a big MSN conversation. You and your friends aren't likely to fight and spite each other by using each other's MSN accounts or blogs against each other, so don't worry about this factor.

Once your blog is up and running, tell your friends about it. Also post links to it in chatrooms, because people on the internet don't lie.
Don't forget that people with depression write poems, so you can post these on your blog, or you can make your own super-dooper cool website. This will be explained later.

Step 4 - Staying Cool on MSN
I forgot to mention ways to stay cool while using MSN. Using a good MSN name is a good idea. If you can't think of your own, steal someone elses. mAkE sUrE yOu TyPe It LiKe tHis. Also, have a love heart emoticon [(L)], and your mans name there. If people question your love because of your age, they're ignorant and they don't understand what you and your boyfriend have is special. Dipshits.

Setup a cool font. You can download a font from some cool font sites you can find by using Google. People on MSN won't see this font if they don't have it on their PC, but it doesn't matter because you can send them the 14 mb TTF file later. Make sure your font is hard to read - A nice pink in Italics is a good start, maybe with underline too. Bold will make it way too easy to read, so don't use bold. Only geeks use bold. Make sure you don't use a simple font, such as Arial, Tahoma or Times New Rowan. Use something cool, maybe Comic Sans MS, which is also a bit too simple for someone as outgoing as you are - you want to highlight your talents, not disguise them!

Don't forget to use a good MSN name - I know I just mentioned this, but make sure you have changed it by now. Don't leave your MSN name the same, unless its a list of all your friends with a little emoticon next to each one. You can use something like that for a week, tops. Make sure your name is REALLY long, and contains lots of animated emoticons - nothing says your a hip and happening, depressed teenager like animated emoticons.

Go behind your friends backs! If one of your friends tells you something about a person they want to keep in confidence, be sure to copy the message to that person. I don't mean spreading rumours, I mean person A says to Person B, "Hey, I really like Person C, but don't tell them", you'd better make damn sure you tell Person C, or what kind of friend would you be?

Have BIG MSN conversations. Start a conversation with a friend, then invite someone else - Hell, invite your whole list and it'll be a fucking party. Once your list is in there, get them to invite their list, and so on and so forth. The more, the merrier. Make sure you 'spam' the "chat room", which random messages. People will probably be very confused as to why they're there, and if someone leaves or tells you to F*** off, make sure you reinvite them. If they block you, get someone else to reinvite them. Some naive people may believe MSN is not made to have alot of people in one conversation - ignore these accusations, they are untrue. MSN is the best, most reliable chat program available. Unfortunately, eventually, the conversation will disband, which is OK, because it may allow for productivity as the infinite scrolling will die down. You will eventually get bored with this, and remember that you are a depressed teen.
Now, was we all know, you're depressed. What kind of a teenager would you be if you weren't? Not a very good one, is the answer. I know it may seem I'm mentioning this alot, and you may think it is unimportant. WRONG!. You try doing this WITHOUT the use of being depressed. B****.

Sometimes, you should come on MSN and set your name as "Your Name - Don't talk to me, I'm Depressed :(". This is a fantastic method of being a hip-teenager that is commonly known as "Attention Seeking" - if you don't want people to talk to you, get your fat ass off MSN, B****. You may have noticed this tip contradicts the tip about name cApItAlIzAtIon...Frankly, I don't care, and neither do you. For christs sakes, you're fucking depressed! Which leads me to my next point of Staying Cool on MSN: How to interact whilst wallowing in depression. Here is a typical conversation

Typical MSN Conversation. You are the depressed teen. The other participant is naive and ignorant, and doesn't realize that they're a teen and that they're suffering from depression.

Fool : Hi
dEpReSsEd tEeN - i (l) gEoRgE : hy
dEpReSsEd tEeN - i (l) gEoRgE : how r u
Fool : good, you?
dEpReSsEd tEeN - i (l) gEoRgE : idn
dEpReSsEd tEeN - i (l) gEoRgE : ok i guess


As you can see, you're not sure how you are - this will leave your friend thoroughly confused, because considering you're not sure what your mood is, you still seem to be acting like a stuck up slut who thinks she has depression - meaning the trick has worked - you actually do know how you feel. Also, do the same thing, except when they ask how you are say "Bad". The person will be curious as to what is wrong, so you quickly respond "dw" (dw means don't worry, if your not up to date with being cool - typing out whole words is so last year). I will go into "acronyms" later, which you should probably refer to as, umm. Well I'm not sure what the hip name for them is, but they're still fucking awesome. Umm, Where was I? Oh thats right, guiding you to become a lieing spoilt whore. Well, don't worry, you're almost there!

Also, Install a Webcam on your PC. Tell your folks you need it for school. You can get them cheap, but if you did you'd be a tight-ass, so go ahed and buy an ultra-awesome one with your "Plastic Fantastic" (eg. Credit Card). I will put a link into a great page which will show you in 5 fantastic steps How to Become a Camera Whore.

Step 5 - Grammar, Spelling and Kick-Ass Acronyms
Before we go any further, you'll need to know how to type. I will teach you what type of grammar to use, how well you should spell and what sort of acronyms or "typing shortcuts" you should use. I will also tell you how you should act in every day conversation (over MSN or any wanna-be clones of it).

First things first - before you can have proper conversation, you have to realise that these people you're talking to are inconviences in your life - if they try to get you to type too much, block them. It doesn't matter who they are. If they asked where you went at School or somewhere totally conformist like that (your also a goth, incase I didn't mention it). Anyway, use short answers. Don't bring up any topics of your own. If you get bored, type "so...". If the guy (admit it, it's probably going to be a guy your being a B**** to) doesn't respond, yell at him and make out it's his fault, then block him.

IF AT ANY POINT YOU IN THE CONVERSATION, YOUR SMALL MIND GETS CONFUSED: Type "?". Or, "?????????", over and over again. Or you can just say "Oooookkkkk", in typical stuck up hoe fashion. Being polite is a thing of the past, Move on man. If you are talking to someone, you should have their full attention. If they take more than 10 seconds to answer a question, it is your GOD GIVEN RIGHT to abuse them. Annoy the living F*** through them. Here is a nice pretty example.

Me : Hey
[short pause]
AmIe : hy how r u
AmIe : ?
[short pause]
AmIe : hun?
AmIe : hun r u there
AmIe : ?????
AmIe : fine be like dat
AmIe is now offline


Yeah, I'm there you stupid B****, but you're not now. This was all in the time span of under 30 seconds - However, as you already know, guys should be watching your Windows like a hawk. If they don't, block them.

Now, when you're online, Grammar is not important. Neither is spelling. Drop out any letters you feel are unimportant, and use acronyms to cut down on unneeded typing. If an acronym doesn't exist, make one. As a Depressed Teenage B**** once said: "Wateva, i do wat i want".
So, in the above conversation, what time-savers do we see?

Hy - Hy is short for Hey. Typing that e is for F*** heads, or people who are going to get jobs in the future. You don't fall into either of these catergorys.
r - r is short for Are. This is a pretty lazy abbreviation, but atleast it's just dropping characters
u - u is for the u at the end of you. This is a more understandable time saver, because the y and the o are silent anyway (And if you think they're not, then you're wrong, moron.)
dat - dat is short for that. Sure, you have to locate that pesky d key, but it's worth it. This is one of your favourite abbreviations, and because you're a mindless twit, it's one of yours too.


You can also use the phrase "Ooookkkkk" when you realise that by comparison to most people, you're a fucking retard - No offence to retards, so I will put it more politely. Your a fucking black-asian midget. I hate midgets and you do too. If you don't, you're wrong, and you can shove it. So, as I was saying, Type "Ok", except with way too many letters, whenever you realise that your intelligence has already peeked in a conversation. Here is a fine example, also with Amie. I mean AmIe.


[05:49:52 PM] :( Amie :(: sooooooooo
[05:50:05 PM] :( Amie :(: have u been online like all day
[05:51:58 PM] Mike - Come : yep
[05:54:14 PM] :( Amie :(: oooooooooooo k
[06:04:02 PM] :( Amie :(: bye hun
[06:04:07 PM] Mike - Come : bye

In this conversation, Amie's intelligence peaks at a very early stage. As you can quite clearly see, she is a depressed teen too! This is clearly noted by the Upset, or Sad smiley space incorporated into any software that Teens are expected to use.
Notice that in the above conversation, Amie tends to use the o key alot more than she should. She is clearly compensation for lack of personality. It may help if your colour your o key in with a permanent marker now. Note that if you are using a black keyboard, use whiteout instead.

Here is a conversation, yet again with Amie. In this conversation, she is also being a stupid B****.


[04:34:38 PM] Amie: and ur problem is???
[04:35:05 PM] Mike: huh?
[04:35:26 PM] Amie: that email??/
[04:36:16 PM] Mike: what email??/
[04:36:24 PM] Amie: dw
[04:36:34 PM] Mike: then whyd u ask
[04:36:48 PM] Amie: god dw
[04:40:05 PM] Mike: u there?
[04:40:53 PM] * Amie is now Offline


B****. You going to ask me questions, you can't just drop the subject. I didn't realise why she went offline until I looked over this log - because I flooded her sorry ass. Because she was pissing me off. In this scenario I was also a B**** too. But she deserved it. Brat.

This is becoming a bit long whinded. No doubt you will probably have to split the reading of this over a few days to let your, err, shall we say, petite, mind rest.

As I was saying, Grammer isn't imporant. If this document was considered to have "Good Gramar", you should do the exact opposite of how I type. Primary School only took 7 years, and loosing that knowledge won't matter - back then you weren't cool anyway!
For example, The three "Theres"
There - To be used as in, "Hey, look over there"
Their - To be used as in, "It doesn't matter, it is their fault"
They're - To be used as in, "Hey, They're n00bs!"

That is some of the information you need to purge from your mind - as I have said, Grammar is not important - are you forgetting that you're a depressed teen? Fucking hell.

Spelling also doesn't matter. Especially if you're asking for help or trying to a make a good impression for some reason, Don't bother with spelling are grammar.

Common Grammatical Mistakes People Make
The full stop. What a fucking waste of time, who the hell invented that piece (note that when you type piece, spell it as peice) of shite, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO USE IT! Some may find it hard to inerpret long-winded paragraphs that contain no fullstops or commas - guess what? That aint your problem.
The same goes for the comma.
The Aspostrophe is a waste of time. It is often used to make things grammatically correct - don't bother with it, unless your going to "talk the talk" - Black talk, that is. NO, This article isn't trying to be racist, although that would be fun, I have nothing against coloured people. Anyway, "the talk" is saying things like "fo' sho'" and things like that - they are the ONLY times to use grammar.

Another important thing - yes, there are alot, but it's worth it. Don't answer any questions, if you don't want to. Except for "Where do you live" and "What's your number", and anything else the authorities tell us not to give to people on the internet - they screw you over every other time, why listen to them, hey?. You can also answer "A/S/L", which is Age/Sex/Location.. No it isn't an invite to have sexual intercourse, but if you play your cards right, it could be :). Anyway, make sure you lie about your age. Although you don't care how old the boy/man penetrating you is, he wants to make sure your mature - nothing screams maturity than a teen with depression lieing about her age.

Make sure you use alot of exclamation marks in your messages. Also, have entire conversations with just smileys.

Being an MSN User also means knowing (how to ignore) the statuses. If someone's away, say Hi to them anyway. If they don't answer, there's no chance in hell they are away, so keep typing to them for a while, then abuse them. For example

Hey
[short pause]
You there?
DUDE, Where are you!?
[long pause]
F*** you then, asshole

Once you can really piss people off on MSN, you've mastered it. Don't understand the simplest things, and people will like you. Let the world know how you feel, and lie to make your life look bad.

While using MSN, don't forget to refer to people as "dude" alot. Also, say the word like as much as possible.
"its like really cold in here and i like dont like feel good. like."

Capitalization of proper nouns doesn't matter either, or atleast the first word of each sentence, which is obviously the first letter you type in a conversation, because your a savvy net user, you don't need that pesky full stop key.

God damn this article is becoming long. I think I will write two more steps and call it quits for a while.

Step 5 - Your Own Website!
Not only will you be a depressed teen, you'll have your own website! On this website, you can put any poems you write which don't rhyme, but contain difficult words you don't understand. I'd post an example but I can't be fucked (which is something I doubt you will ever say ;)).

Get a geeky friend to put it online for you, or something. Make it in Frontpage, use one of the standard themes. Put pictures of blood and shit in too so people know you're depressed. Give the site a shit title, and tell your friends about it. DON'T, I repeat, DON'T update this site. Your true fans will like it just the way it is, and if you don't have any, you can post in your blog about how alone you feel in the world.

Step 6 - Chatrooms - You can trust guys on the internet
This paragraph may seem a little contradictory - but it isn't, so don't be a fool. This topic is covered fairly heavily in the other 5 steps, so I will basically sum it up right here.

You go into a chatroom, with either a slutty nickname, or if you have the time, "roxygirl###". You try to pick up guys, because they say they're spunks and hell, it's the internet, you can trust people on the internet. When the guy asks you your age, lie, then ask for his. It doesn't matter that you lied, don't worry, he won't. Make sure you give him your phone number - mobile phone and land line, especially if he is from a foreign country. Your parents won't mind some guy with a phony accent phoning you at 3 in the morning. They know you're an internet user, and if you don't, inform them that you are. Sometimes places you've signed up to may require your credit card number to verify your identity - Make sure you send it to them, or you might get banned from your favourite chat site - you know how hard you worked to be the first one to register "roxy_girl354398718415"

Step 7 - Putting your new found knowledge to good use
Well, that's it for this article. I will probably need to update it one day, because I didn't cover everything I wanted to, but I can't remember what else I wanted to talk about. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't detect the sarcasm, hang yourself right now. Use a tie and hang yourself from your bloated ego.

That's all folks